If God Were a Teenager
by roankun
Summary: Oneshot 4: Over Her Head. The day that proved I was spending too much time with Haruhi was the same day I got expelled.
1. Of Last Breaths and Wishes

**~OF LAST BREATHS AND WISHES~**

The last conscious act of Koizumi Itsuki was brushing his teeth with WD-40.

During one of the survival sessions of the organization, he'd once heard about the unsung versatility of the popular spray lubricant, and now, while exsanguinating, he felt an irrational urge to brighten his smile. Kyon pawed through the gear and found the familiar blue-and-yellow can, along with a small brush designed for cleaning pistols. Kyon knelt in the blood-cruisted sand and tucked a camouflage bedroll under his partner's neck.

"Do my molars, wouldya?" Groggily, Koizumi opened his mouth and pointed.

"Jesus Willy," Kyon said, but he aimed the nozzle at Koizumi's brown-stained chompers and sprayed. _What the hell_, he thought, _the fucker's dying._

Koizumi brushed in a listless mechanical way. He spoke from the uncluttered side of his mouth: "You believe this shit? After all we've done these past few months, just one faux pas and everything goes kablooey. Hell, we're even on the battlefield with dickheads dying left and right."

Kyon was in blinding misery, his bandaged shoulder afire. "You know… you know what I don't believe?" he said. "I don't believe you still won't say bitch after all she done to us. Goddamn, Koizumi, I wonder 'bout you!"

"Aww, well." Koizumi Itsuki's eyelids dropped to half-staff. One hand flopped apologetically, splatting in a puddle of blood. His face was as pallid as a slab of fish.

"She almost killed you. She _killed _you, man!" Kyon hunched over him. "I wanna hear you say it. 'Haruhi is a bitch.' Before you go and croak, I want you to act like a man, not like the kiss-ass you are, not like the most religious patriot of Haruhiism, and say that, just once. Kin you do that for me?" Kyon laughed berserkly against the pain.

"Come on, you stubborn little prick. Say it: B-i-c-h. Bitch!"

But Koizumi Itsuki was done talking. He died with the gun brush in his cheeks. His final breath was a soft necrotic whistle of WD-40 fumes.

Kyon caught a slight buzz from it, or so he imagined. He snatched up the aerosol can, struggled to his feet and staggered into the mangroves to mourn.

**~OF LAST BREATHS AND WISHES end~**

* * *

**WD-40** is the trademark name of a water-displacing spray widely available in a variety of retail outlets. **faux pas **means false step (mistake).

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the Haruhi Suzumiya franchise. And with what I've done so far, be glad I don't.

**Author's Note: **All misspellings/grammar mistakes in the dialogue are **intentional.**

For everyone who thinks this is OOC, lemme tell you. So do I. But then, after I wrote this, I realized what sort of circumstances I put them through, and thought that maybe, just maybe, that would've been enough to change them.

So... what sort of circumstances _did _I put them through? Well, you should be able to guess, right? Though this might seem like a small part of a bigger plot, but this is still a oneshot. Feel free to use the idea.

You guys probably think this shouldn't be rated as humor, but I kinda found it funny. (Blame it on my insanity) And... even if it isn't 'humorous,' I think the next chaps will be.

Next chaps will also be oneshots, independent chaps. Each has no relation to the past and next. Next one will probably be HaruKyon, though. And longer. With less swearing.

If you have time... it wouldn't hurt to review right? *winks*


	2. Evergreen Lullaby

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any part of the Haruhi Suzumiya franchise.

This fic was beta'd by BKE and Mr CJ. Thanks a lot. ^^

Just a heads-up but… Novel Four does not occur in this story, as I myself have not read it.

I apologize in advance for the possible ooc'ness of kyon's parents. Then again, they don't appear much in the novels or the anime, so I suppose this is forgivable?

~**Evergreen Lullaby~**

"What are you lazing around for!? Hurry up and get to it, Kyon!"

Koizumi's in this too. Why am I the only one you're shouting at?

Ahem. Normally, I'd say this was a particularly normal day in the particular clubroom of a particular SOS Brigade. But then, it's not.

No, this is the 24th of December, the day before Christmas, and Haruhi, the girl who was shouting at me, and is still shouting by the way, was submitting us under forced labor just so Ms. Brigade Chief could have her pre-Christmas party.

Where will she hold this party, you ask?

In front of my house, right on the street. How she got the permit, I don't know. And somehow I get the feeling that I don't want to know.

So there we were, all five of us, hauling around stuff like speakers, food and everything else Her Majesty decided we would need. Well, six of us. My sister's here too. Okay, fine. Eight. My parents actually stuck around, not that they're being of any help or anything.

My mother, with her long caramel hair, wide hazel eyes and red-covered fingernails, was just standing there, smiling a sort of innocent smile, tainted with a bit of mischief. I have no doubt in my mind that she's planning some sort of torture for me, or maybe tell my friends- I mean, the SOS Dan that I can't sleep without tucking my little sister in bed or the fact that I was wearing boxer shorts with a monkey pattern right then.

My father, on the other hand, looked a cross between bored and amused. How he could do that, I have no idea. But he certainly seemed like it, leaning his sturdy build on our house's wall wearing a blue polo shirt and a cap covering his somewhat darker brown hair and yellowish eyes. You could help me carry this insanely tall Christmas tree instead of just smiling there, you know.

"It's such a beautiful day, isn't it?" said Haruhi, interrupting my thoughts, "I have to say, I'm an expert when it comes to scheduling things. If only it would snow, everything'll be perfect…"

If it snowed, we'd have to bring everything back inside. Think about your slaves, oi.

"But… a little snow does seem fitting." said Asahina-san. "Kyon-kun, do you want some tea?"

Now, I don't remember tea ever being served at a teenager's Christmas party, but if it's graced by your hands, I'll drink it no matter what.

Taking the cup filled to the brim, I took another look at Asahina-san, wearing North High's sailor uniform.

Yup, you heard it right. North High's sailor uniform. On the last day of school, Haruhi decided that the most moe costume is a sailor uniform, thus forcing her hand-picked mascot to strip, then wear her scattered clothes again.

Seriously Haruhi… For a girl whose grades are supposedly better than mine, how much stupidity can you show?

"Did you say something just now, Kyon?"

Nope, nothi-

"Whatever," she said with a wave of her hand. You don't really care about what I say, do you? "As of now, the SOS Brigade's first pre-Christmas party begins!"

And chaos ensues.

~*~

It's nine o'clock. Two hours earlier, my mom, with an apologetic look on her face, had to convince everyone to go home because 'we still have our own family Christmas party to attend.'

"You could've asked them to help out before shooing them away," I complained, wiping the last of the tables before bringing them in.

"Ohohoho~" she laughed, not a Santa Claus laugh, but a laugh like the cruel stepmother does in fairytales. "They don't have to. I know Kyon-kun will clean it all up."

"Well _Kyon-kun_ is sweaty and tired," I retorted, "and all he wants to do is lie down and sleep."

"Oh, is that so?" she said, thoughtfulness crossing her face. Then, an 'aha!' expression came, much like a certain brigade's chief. Sometimes I wonder if they're of the same blood or something. Would that mean me and Haruhi are cousins?

My mother's 'aha!' expression was suddenly followed by a gentle smile. A smile that made me think, nah, no way those two girls are related. Haruhi has never smiled like that before. That devilish smile of hers has never even close to gentle. Well, maybe it has, but there's no way I'm ever gonna admit that.

"I know just the thing to make Kyon-kun feel better," she told me.

"Uh-huh," I grunted, dragging the last bag of garbage behind me. "And what would that be?"

She ran inside the house with a "Gimme a sec, I'll be right back," while I dumped the black plastic on the street corner, to be picked up by the trash guys in the morning. Poor people, having to work even on holidays.

I picked up the broom and dustpan, and was ten steps away from the front door when she came back. By 'she,' I meant my mom. And with her was my little sister. What are you planning to do with her?

"Oh, nothing. Come on," she prodded, "do it."

My little sister walked up to me, kept a three feet distance. Then making a very cute pose, (where the hell did you learn that?) she said, "Keep up the good work-"

You don't really think that's gonna keep me cleaning, do you?

"-onii-chan~."

… I'm such a softie. I would've face-palmed at myself for being so soft, if my fingers weren't covered in dust, juice, and some red liquid that Haruhi dragged out during one of her episodes earlier.

"You're a sucker for this, aren't you?" She winked, then walked inside the now barely decorated residence. Earlier, there were a lot of garlands strung around, but they all just… withered away when the games started.

"How was it Kyon-kun?" asked my imouto, as we followed my mom's footsteps."Did it turn you on?"

Did it turn me- WHAT!? Who taught you that!?

"Haruhi-chan did. She said moe was important in high school life, so I have to start learning now."

I should have known. I _should have known_ that that freak of a girl would corrupt my dear little sister's mind soon enough. "Listen," I said sincerely, looking at her straight in the eyes, "Don't you ever, and I mean _ever, _listen to that girl. She doesn't know zilch about anything, and half the stuff she says is based on statistics that have only been reported as facts in her head. You got that?"

"I think Haruhi's a nice girl," interjected my father.

Where did you come from? When I started cleaning, you suddenly disappeared.

"Haha, where I wonder. Anyway, about that Haruhi girl, do you like her?"

"As if. She's eccentric beyond years, difficult, arrogant, demanding, hot-headed, and she doesn't listen to a word I say! How could I possibly like her?"

"You sound very fond of her," he replied.

I gaped. That was _so_ not how I expected him to take it. My mom came from the kitchen and and not-so-welcomingly joined the conversation.

"Yes, they do seem close, don't they?" No, we're no- "And that charming boy, Itsuki was it? And that quiet Yuki, they make quite the couple, don't they?"

…Are you sure we're talking about the same people?

"Oh, yes, those two," said my father. "But don't worry, Kyon. You and Haruhi make a better couple. I'm sure you have more supporters."

Why isn't Asahina-san even entering this dialogue?

"I like Mikuru-chan!" exclaimed my sister, hiding behind a door, only her head visible. Now that I think about it where has she been? When my father started the 'Haruhi conversation,' she had disappeared.

"But Mikuru-chan is for me, so Haruhi-chan can go to Kyon-kun," she continued.

My parental units laughed. "See, even your sister agrees."

My sister's mind has been polluted by this girl you're pairing me up with. Does her opinion even count?

"My mind's not corrupted!" she shouted, pouting. "And… okaa-san, otou-san, can I wear this for tonight?" she asked, stepping out for us to see what she was wearing, which, by the way, was a bunny suit.

… A BUNNY SUIT!?

"And you say your mind isn't polluted!? Where the hell did you get tha-"

"My, that's a wonderful outfit!" squealed my mom.

Are you insane!? Your ten-year-old daughter's wearing a bunny girl suit, and all you can say is 'that's wonderful, darling'!?

"Well, don't you think so, _Kyon-kun_? "

Hell no! Who gave you that anyway!?

"Haruhi-chan did."

I should have known. I should have known. I _should have known_ that that freak of a girl would corrupt- Why do I get the feeling that I've said this before?

"That's coz you already did Kyon-kun," my imouto said, striking one of the poses I've seen Haruhi forced Asahina-san into. "Remember, the turn on thingy?"

Oh yes, the turn on thingy. Now would you please stop posing? And take off that ridiculous outfit.

"Don't wanna! Besides, mom and dad are doing it too!"

Even if you don't want to, I'm your big brother and you should follow my orders. I'm sure your, I mean _our_, parents would disapprove and- Did you just say mom and dad are doing it too, or is my hearing getting worse?

"Kombanwa!"

That… was my mother, going down the stairs wearing a sailor uniform. my dad was right behind her, wearing one of my uniforms and a barely embarrassed smile.

"Your mom found her old uniform but I couldn't find mine so I used yours." He's laughing. I can't believe he's laughing. "Yours are a little tight around the shoulders, but they fit me nonetheless." How could you be so shameless, the two of you? You were in Haruhi's presence for barely eight hours! Was that enough for her to put you under her spell?

"Well Kyon, we can't be the only ones cosplaying," said my mom. "Go up to your room. I already laid out your uniform for you."

Well… I guess that's reasonable. It's alright for me to wear my uniform, but for the two of you…

"Quit stalling and get to it, subordinate!"

…Was that Haruhi just now?

My mother laughed. "See Kyon? All you think about is Haruhi Haruhi, no matter what the circumstances are." She sighed. "How time flies… My little boy's all grown up…"

I glared at her. Then, I sighed. There's just no helping it, this family of mine. "I get it, I get it. I'm gonna go change."

She brightened up, immediately I must add. "That's a good boy. We'll be waiting in the kitchen, okay?" she said, herding my father and sister to the said room.

Yare yare…

~*~

Five minutes later, I was dressed in a uniform on a holiday. Sigh… Why does this feel so ironic?

Anyway, I walked down the stairs and was about to head for the kitchen, when my mom ran to me, panic in her voice.

"It's terrible Kyon! Just terrible! You have to hurry!"

I was suddenly alert. "What happened!? Did anything bad happen to my sister!? Where is she!?"

"No!" she screamed. "That's not it!"

"Then _what_ is!?"

Now I was very worked up. Just the thought of something, anything, happening to my dear little sister, or my dad of course, was sending me into hysterics. I may not seem like it, but I'm a responsible onii-chan in times when I need to be.

"We're out of butter!"

…Excuse me. What was that again?

"We're out of butter, Kyon!"

We're… out of butter.

"Yes!"

And… that's a reason for you to come screaming at me like there's some kind of emergency?

"It _is _an emergency! We're out of butter!"

Would you please explain to me again why you're acting like it's the end of the world?

She sighed, a sigh that I thought only I could sigh. I guess that explains where I got it. "Why are you so slow at times like this?"

She adopted a patient yet not-so-patient tone. "Remember how it's our family tradition to eat breakfast on Christmas Eve?

It's not even a tradition. It's more like the outcome of a shortage in food that started six years ago because my little sister pulled on the table cloth and everything fell off. And the only reason you're calling it a tradition is because it happened again the next two years after that and you don't want to put any blame on my dear little sister. Not that I want to do that too, but still…

"And remember how we always have pancakes with milk, butter and sugar? Well, we're out of butter, and I'm not having it."

So… what are you trying to tell me?

"Go out and buy some! Duh!"

You know… this is the second time today that I've wondered if you and Haruhi aren't related.

"There you go again with that Haruhi girl. I'll listen to you rave about her, just as soon as you come back. Here's the money, there's a convenience store seven blocks down. I'll leave it to you, okay?"

Not even waiting for my reply, she ran off to the kitchen again. She's a forty-something woman, for goodness's sake. Where does she get her energy?

With that thought in mind, I set off for the convenience store supposedly seven blocks down.

~*~

You know, when you _say_ 'seven blocks down,' it doesn't sound that far. _Walking _it, however, is an entirely different matter. I've been walking for a good ten minutes, but I've passed nothing but houses, houses, and more houses. When am I ever gonna get to this possibly non-existent convenience store?

I don't remember cycling by it on the way to school, and I don't remember seeing a harsh light that only convenience stores have when I look out my window at night. Do these mean anything to you?

I sighed, perfectly mimicking the one my mother heaved earlier. Then in front of the entrance to a small park, I stopped. _Alright, that's it. I'm going home. _At least, that was what I decided. It has already been 13 minutes after all. And that's what I would've done, had I not heard the slight creak of what I later found out was a swing.

I turned to the right, and my eyes searched in the partial darkness, looking for the source of that creak. In the pale moonlight, barely even visible, I saw the figure of a small girl. Not as small as Asahina-san, no. She was sitting on a rusty swing, so it was hard to determine her actual height. But I figured that she was an inch or two taller than the said maid.

What could a little girl be doing at this time of night, was what crossed my mind. I guess my onii-chan instincts were on full blast that night, so I approached her, muttering a soft "Yo."

She musn't have heard it. She had her back to me, and she made no move to acknowledge my presence. Through the muted colors of the night, I saw a pair of ribbons on her hair, on one each side.

That made me think it was Haruhi, but my mom's words rang in my ear.

_All you think about is Haruhi Haruhi._

That's why I thought it wasn't her, that maybe I _was _thinking too much about Her Majesty. So I scrapped the notion that it _might _be her, and replaced it with a thought that went, 'No, it's not Haruhi. She's celebrating Christmas with her family right now. This is just some random lonely girl that I want to cheer up because I've somehow lost my little sister to the likes of a certain overlord.'

My steps, though silent, were the only sound of the night, save for the soft breeze that whistled in the ten o'clock sky. She must have heard it this time, because I saw her ear twitch, saw her head turn in my direction. I repeated my greeting, louder this time.

"Yo."

"Yo yourself. What are you doing here? Are you a hentai?"

This isn't… Haruhi… is it?

"What are _you _doing here?"

"I asked first. Now answer the question."

Though the voice was more subdued, there's no mistaking it. This girl _is_ Haruhi. Hi Haruhi, it's been a _looong_ time since we saw each other and yet here you are again.

That comment made her look up at me, surprise shining in her eyes. "John? Is that you?"

…What did you just call me?

"Oh, it's just you Kyon." She sent me a scrutinizing stare. "Why are you here?"

Now… why was I here again? Oh yes, the non-existent convenience store. My dictator of a mother gave me an unreasonable order to go buy butter on a Christmas because she 'won't have it.' How about you?

That shut her up. Although I've asked pretty much the same question just seconds ago, her reaction now and before were entirely different. She dropped the stare, looking down at her feet. "I-it's nothing really. Just thinking about things," she mumbled.

"I see."

Isn't this my cue to leave? Yet why don't my feet move? Why do I stay rooted to this spot, wishing that there's something else I could say besides 'I see?'

"Ne Kyon."

"Yeah?"

"Kiss me."

Okay, sure thi-what was that just now?

She was looking at me again, that much I could tell. But the clouds had hidden the moon, and I couldn't see what sort of emotion she had in those amber eyes of hers. I tried, God knows I tried. But right as moonlight graced the empty park, she looked away, settling her eyes on her feet.

Aw… what the hell.

At that night, in the time plane and space dimension that I belonged to, I kissed Suzumiya Haruhi.

Okay… saying it like that makes it sound grand, doesn't it? On the contrary, reality isn't like that at all. It was just a small peck, our lips barely even met before I pulled away, blushing.

I felt her smile, and I heard her mutter "It's the same..."

The swing creaked again, like a sort of signal telling us that it had started snowing. Neither of us commented on it, opting to remain silent. We must have stayed there for quite a while, her sitting, me standing, just being in each other's company. Then I heard that creak again, along with the thud of her feet firmly being planted into the ground.

"I achieved my objective. I'm going now. Ja ne."

Does that mean you were actually gonna wait here the whole night just to wait for me to come here by some freak accident and kiss you?

"By the way, the convenience store? It's in the opposite direction. Seven blocks from your house."

..You're kidding right?

~*~

After that hell of a night, running around the neighborhood for that cursed butter with my mother saying "Butter? What butter? Oh, _that_ butter. Well, I realized that we don't need the pancakes after all, so I gave them all to Shamisen," when I got back, I was way too tired to spend another day hauling the stuff that I had hauled around the previous day.

But alas, there are just times you can't get your deserved rest, as my little sister started bouncing around on my bed and me in what I had first thought was a futile attempt to wake me up. I guess it's not so futile now, is it?

"I get it, I get it. I'm up… It's Christmas, for God's sake. Can't you let me sleep late for once?"

"But Haruhi-chan and Mikuru-chan and Icchan are coming!"

… Why are they coming? Did you just call Koizumi Icchan? And did you just forget to mention Nagato, or is she not coming at all?

"Oh yeah! Yuki-chan too!" She lightly hit her noggin with her knuckles, sticking her tongue out. "Don't you remember Kyon-kun? Today's the SOS Dan Christmas party!"

Today. Right. Then what was that yesterday? Besides, you're not even _part_ of the SOS Dan.

"Yes she is! I, the SOS Dan Chief, have condemned her to be an associate member starting today!"

Though normally I'd agree that condemn _is _the right word, hearing you say that is just sort of… odd. And I don't appreciate you barging into my room and making my ears bleed this early in the morning.

"This early in the morning? Are you nuts Kyon? It's 1 pm. Everyone's been here for hours, you're the only one missing in action!"

I am huh… I took one look at Haruhi. Though on the outside, she would seem like the same annoying, loud, noisy, arrogant, and all the other negative adjectives I could string together that would appropriately fit her, there was something… different.

"So get off your ass and get dressed, ASAP!"

Stop saying words like that in front of my sister, I beg you.

"Why should I? You're the one who kept saying things like hell in front of her."

No I d- How did you know that!? And how many times have I had this sort of reaction?

She smiled, a sly smile. "So you admit it." Then, she dropped it, taking my sister's hand in hers. "Anyway, everyone's waiting, so hurry up. Let's go Imouto-chan."

Wait, Haruhi.

She stopped, giving me a backwards glance as she motioned for my little sister to go first. 'What?"

There's something weird about you today. Is something wrong?

It was like she was surprised as she stood there, blinking at me. Then, a smile graced her lips, a smile that I said couldn't possibly be seen on her. "Nothing really. Just feeling melancholic about the past. Christmas holds some special memories for me."

You're not talking about yesterday, are you?

Aaand she's already down the stairs.

~*~

And so the SOS Dan's Christmas party began.

Oi Haruhi, if there's a pre-Christmas party yesterday, and a Christmas party today… Does that mean there's gonna be a post-Christmas party tomorrow?

"Ara, didn't you see it on the itinerary Suzumiya-san posted in the clubroom?"

No, I didn't, Koizumi. And your face is too close. Which reminds me, if you're gonna give me a present, I have a request. Please make it two kilometers of distance.

"But that would seem impossible, _Kyon-kun."_

And why is it impossible to fulfill _Kyon-kun's _small request?

"Because of the game Suzumiya-san is starting."

I looked at the girl he spoke of, and couldn't help but mutter, "Oh, God no."

Somewhere in the back of my deteriorating consciousness, I heard Haruhi shout out "Cosplay time!"

~*~

Nine hours later, the party was still going full blast. The first "game," cosplaying, was not as bad as I imagined. For me anyway. Since Haruhi didn't find us guys deserving enough to buy us a set of whatever it was she might have in mind, the only costumes she had were for Asahina-san, Nagato, and herself.

My mother might have weaseled her way into it, but I wouldn't know about that. Even if I did, I'm not telling.

So anyway, while we were still wearing our "cosplay outfits" (mine was, as always, North High's uniform. Makes me kinda wonder if they're ever gonna start selling it in the anime stores), Haruhi had started another game, which, thank God, was more tame than the ones earlier. I wonder if those made my parents' minds change.

This current game we are playing, it's a Christmas version of a courage test. Apparently, somewhere near Haruhi's house, there was "a looong alley that's so dark, you won't even see anything! Now, here's eight chopsticks! The ones who get the same number are paired off together. Whoever pairs up with me goes last, okay? Ready? Pick!"

And that's kinda how I ended up in a dark alley, all alone with… Asahina-san~ wearing that lovely maid outfit of hers.

I'd have relished in this moment greatly, had my little sister not been paired up with _Icchan_, and my mother with Haruhi. My mom's hyper enough as it is, why should you hypnotize her more? That being said, I don't think there's gonna be any problem with my father and Nagato being together.

"A-Ano.. Kyon-kun..?"

She was holding my hand while looking up at me with those innocent eyes. "What is it, Asahina-san?"

"Ummm… there's somewhere I want to go to…"

"Hm? It's fine with me but…" I thought about the consequences should Haruhi ever catch us. Oh well, whatever punishment she comes up with wouldn't ever catch up to the glory of being with Asahina-san. "Where do you want to go?"

"That… ummm… it's one year ago."

O-One year ago?

"One year ago."

One year ago?

"Kyon-kun? Are you alright? You didn't react this way last time…"

Huh? No it's just that.. Well, I'm wondering how you knew that we'd be alone this time. If we had been paired up with anybody else…

"Actually… Nagato-san arranged for it to happen."

I see. Hmmm… Should we get going then? And this time, can I just close my eyes? I swear I won't peek.

She seemed pensive for a moment, as if she weren't quite sure if she shouldn't knock me unconscious. Then she smiled, like she had come to a conclusion. "I guess it's okay. I trust Kyon-kun after all."

Thank God for that.

I looked around, and saw a metal trash can two meters away. "Is it okay if I sit on that?" I asked, pointing.

"Yes, that one's fine. By the way," she said, fumbling in her pocket for something. "Wear this." A watch was in her hands.

I took it gingerly, asking, "What's it for? A Christmas present? Haruhi said there was no need for it."

The orange-haired maid shook her head. "It's an automatic digital watch, just like mine. My superiors told me to give it to you, just in case."

In case of what?

"[Classified information]."

I should have known.

I put it on anyway, the older Asahina-san must have a purpose for giving me this.. I sat down, and like before, she stood behind me. "Are your eyes closed? Good. Relax your shoulders please."

I did as she told me to. Though relaxing my shoulders was kinda hard, since I'm still cautious about being struck in the head. But hey, this is Asahina-san after all. I trust her with all my heart.

"Kyon-kun…"

Asahina-san's soft voice came from behind my ear.

"I'm sorry."

Oh no, not again.

~*~

-was what I thought. But this time, no nauseating feeling came. That wasn't the only thing missing however. After a good five minutes of not feeling anything, I finally worked up the courage to open my eyes. That's when I noticed the absence of the beautiful second-year that got me into this.

"Asahina-san?" I called out.

No reply came however.

This is a troubling situation. I had no idea when I am in. I'd call the operator or something, but I don't have any money. I brought my cellphone, but then again…

My house isn't far from here. I could just go there and say I'm Santa Claus who forgot his watch.

Yeah. Right. But that does seem to be the best course of action, and so I walked the road back to my home once again passing by that fateful park I was in just a day (or a day and a year) ago.

I couldn't help but take a peek. Was Haruhi here again too? I couldn't stop myself from asking.

I looked. And I saw.

I saw her again. Suzumiya Haruhi. Sitting on that very same swing. And even though it was dark, I could vaguely tell that she was wearing the same clothes she had on yesterday. I was surprised myself. But that didn't stop me from taking the few steps to her side.

Feeling a weird sense of déjà vu, I greeted her, "Yo."

She looked at me, then away again, as if my existence wasn't worth acknowledging. A few moments of silence, then she responded, saying "Yo yourself. What are you doing here? Are you a hentai?"

"What are _you _doing here?" I asked her, for the second time in two days.

"I asked first. Now answer the question."

Now I'm feeling really curious. Were the two of us playing a game, like reciting the lines from yesterday? I didn't really want to tell her I was wondering what time line I was in, so I duly recited my script.

"Hi Haruhi, it's been a _looong_ time since we saw each other and yet here you are again."

Her previously uninterested eyes suddenly became alert. Though still sitting down, she looked as if she wanted to grab me by the tie and demand an explanation. "John? Is that you?"

I didn't really know if I should continue at this point. She might change the script at her like she usually does and drag me somewhere using my tie Needless to say, I did _not _want to experience that. With that in mind, I kept quiet, just waiting for her to make the next move.

She was still staring at me, searching for something in my face as the muted colors became even more muted.

I heard her make a "tch" sound, and I could tell she was frustrated the clouds had once again covered the moon, making it harder for her to determine my identity.

The silence went on. It was as if we were waiting for something. Whether it was for moon to shine again, or for one of us to start speaking, I wouldn't know. But I guess I wasn't able to stand the silence, so I asked her again "Why are you here?"

I felt, rather than heard, the swish of her hair. Indicating that she had turned away from me. Which reminds me, did your hair get longer Haruhi?

"My hair is shorter, if you compare it to the time when we first met," she mumbled. "And… I.. I-it's nothing. Just thinking about things."

"I see." But that certainly is weird. Your hair, if I remember correctly, reached up to your waist when I first saw you,. Right now, it's just around your shoulders. Are you sure this is longer than before?

I didn't voice this however. Haruhi was not the kind of girl who liked to be corrected, whether or not she was wrong.

"Ne."

I looked at her. She wasn't looking back at me. This seems like it's gonna be different from before. "Yeah?"

"Kiss me."

Okay, it's _exactly_ the same.

But still… there's something different about the atmosphere. Does that mean I should do it? Or not do it?

I heard her sigh, and that's when I decided.

Common sense be damned.

For the third time in my life, I kissed Suzumiya Haruhi.

That night, I also realized that I _am _such a big chicken. Today's kiss was much like yesterday's. And why does saying it like that make me feel like I'm kissing her everyday? Cough. Like I said, it was another small peck, and I was still blushing like crazy.

Why, you might be asking. Why didn't I just give her a freaking French kiss and get it over with?

Well, no thankyouverymuch. Although I don't think I would mind, should my parents ever see me I am going to have hell as everyday. It was bad enough that I have to deal with Haruhi on schooldays plus the occasional Saturdays. If my parents were to become the goading jerks they're already becoming, I wouldn't live through it.

…Doesn't that mean I should already be dead?

"Idiot."

It was muttered under her breath, like the insult wasn't for me to hear. I gave her a sideways glance, and was about to give a speech about God-knows-what, when something in my pocket vibrated.

I must've been funny then, because she was laughing. I chose to ignore her as I looked at the caller ID. Asahina-san, huh? Where've you been?

"So who is it?"

It's none of your business, Haruhi.

"Hey… you might wanna answer that call first but… How did you know my name?"

How did I know your-

It was then that I remembered. Asahina-san had given me an automatic digital watch, one that synchronizes with the time plane you're in. I looked immediately. It says that right now is four minutes after ten o'clock, on the night of December 24th in the year-

Hell no.

With this sudden discovery, I'm starting to feel like I _am _a hentai.

"How long're you gonna stare at that watch? Why're you in your uniform on a holiday? And you're phone's still ringing."

Oh yes. Thank you for reminding me 14-year-old Haruhi.

Barely muttering an "excuse me for a sec," I walked to the farther edge of the park and pushed the accept call button.

"Asahina-san! What is going on!?"

"Why, hello there, Kyon-kun."

This mature voice… "Asahina-san(big)?"

"To get back to your timeline, meet up with the younger me. She'll be sleeping in the bench where she confessed to you."

…Confessed… to me?

"About being a time traveler. Or have you forgotten?"

No-No not at all. But how do I deal with Haruhi here?

"Well, there are various ways aren't there? I'm sure you'll think of one. Bye!"

Click.

Now what do I do?

"So who was it?"

Crap. I whirled around, only to find Haruhi just one step away. "How long have you been listening?"

"Just now."

You expect me to believe that?

"Nobody cares what you believe. Who were you talking to?"

Yeah, I wonder who… "It was my sister. She was telling me to go home already. See ya." I ruffled her hair, for no reason at all, then ran to another park to go back to my timeline.

~*~

It was the next day. And yes, we had another party, the SOS Dan's post-Christmas party. Why do my parents tolerate this kind of thing? Then again… It might be because _I'm_ the one who cleans it all, not them.

"Hey, Asahina-san." I talked to the girl now wearing a nurse outfit as she served me tea.

"Hm? What is it Kyon-kun?"

"About yesterday…" She had already apologized, saying that it was her superior's orders to leave me once we went back in time. When she says it like that, you just can't help but forgive her. Still… there was something that I wanted to know. "Do you know where I went when you left me?"

She shook her head slowly. "No… I don't. I suppose my superiors would know, but they haven't told me anything. Why? Did something happen?"

"No, nothing."

I guess she doesn't know anything then. Safe.

Then I looked behind her, at the "charming boy" aka. _Icchan._

"Do _you_ know anything?"

He shook his head with a smile, saying, "No, nothing right now. Unless you want me to find out, of course…"

Nope. Thanks for the offer, but I politely decline.

I scanned the venue, searching for the last person I have to ask. I found her reading a foreign language book, off to the side.

"What about you, Nagato? Do you know?

She looked up, meeting my questioning eyes with her expressionless ones.

She blinked. Once. Twice.

"Yes."

Well, at least she won't tell anyone.

**~Evergreen Lullaby END~**

And… that's it. I hope you enjoyed it, as this is my longest oneshot/chapter so far. If you don't mind, would you please tell me what you thought of it? If I'm inspired enough, I might make a new oneshot. I already have this one idea that keeps bouncing around my mind.


	3. When Past Becomes Present

This has been on my mind for quite a while now... Even wrote the Taniguchi part way back when, but I must have forgotten all about it. Now that I unearthed it from the pit of my computer, I managed to finish it. Not my greatest work, but hope you like it.

Note: Sorry for the sudden changes in tense... I'm not sure which one to use so I just let my fingers decide.

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**When Past Becomes Present, and Present Becomes Past**

The name's Okabe.

Most people call me Okabe-sensei, not just because I _am _a sensei, but because I'm pretty much older than them.

For the last twenty years, I've been a teacher. The first fifteen of those years, I've taught Physical Education to students from North High, the high school standing erect on that high hill. I can't remember who said it, but I quote "Walking up that hill, I felt much like Sisyphus forced to eternally roll a boulder uphill." As for me though, I've already broken free of those chains, since I've decided to transfer to Minami Elementary School, which is where I've been working these last five years.

Teaching elementary school students is much easier on me than taming those immoral high schoolers who openly threw glares and spit-covered bubble gum at me for no apparent reason. Okay, maybe there _was _a reason. But does being a teacher make you susceptible to that kind of treatment? If I had known, I would have taken a course that would lead me to opulence, rather than this path of educating the future leaders.

Anyway, my old body couldn't take it anymore, so instead of rolling a boulder uphill and verbally sparring with juvenile delinquents five days a week, six days a month, ten months a year, I started teaching at East Middle School. Not to say that there _aren't _delinquents in primary school, there are. Just not as crass as the ones I had to handle back in the old days. They _are _still single-digits, mind you. They're naïve enough not to say "fuck you" to your face.

Going back to the topic at hand, today is Parent's Day. In case some of you don't know, Parent's Day is some sort of tradition that I started, back on my second year here. On the first day of the second week of class, pupils are asked to bring at least one of their parents, introduce themselves to the class, and then introduce their parents. I figured that, hey, I'm gonna be tolerating your kids for a whole year, might as well meet the people who are probably the reason for their probable naughtiness.

And so it began, the tenth Parent's Day of Minami Elementary School. Really though, it's not that grand. It's merely a per class… activity, a small meeting between each class's teacher, students, and student's parents. Considering that not even half of the parents come, it could hardly even be called an event. I don't even know why the principal tolerates it.

It was… entertaining, I suppose, seeing eight-year-old fumble and stutter as they try to say things that will either a) not embarrass their parents or b) earn them a bar of chocolate later on. However, as entertaining it may be, it could still be boring. What kept me going though, was the realization that in this batch of third graders, the parents were people I have taught before, back in Kita High.

I may not seem like it, but I have a pretty good memory, especially when it ocmes to my students. So far, I have remembered each and every one of my students' names. Well, my advisory class students, that is. If I had to remember the others, my head might burst.

"M-my name's Sousuke Taniguchi, and I'm eight years old-"

I had to stop myself from smiling. The child speaking, Sousuke-kun, was actually that Taniguchi's kid. Taniguchi, for god's sake. The one with slicked-back hair and sleazy eyes, and kept ogling at girls, trying to hit on them, and always managing to get rejected. It must have been some sort of talent, but seeing as how he actually has a child, he must've managed to snag one. Though I kind of pity the unluck- I mean, I kind of wonder who the wonderful lady he's married to is.

"-and this is my father," said the boy with slicked-back hair and wide brown eyes, pointing to the twenty-something man with slicked-back hair and sleazy eyes. They really do look alike, except for the eyes. Maybe he inherited it from his mother?

"So, Sousuke-kun," I said, smiling at both of them, "What do you think is the most interesting thing about your father?"

It's a question that I ask all my students. 'What do you think is the most interesting thing about your parents?' Most of their answers are normal, things like "my mom's cool, my dad won the Olympics," stuff like that. But there _are _times when it's funny. Now, is one of them.

Sousuke Taniguchi put a finger on his cheek, thought for a moment, smiled, and then said the five words that would have earned him a beating later on, had his father been anyone other than the bestfriends-with-humiliation Taniguchi.

"My dad is a womanizer."

Oh, I se- did you just say what I thought you just said?

Polite laughter came from the other parents, though you could tell that some of them wanted to do more than just chuckle. I myself couldn't stop the grin from spreading on my face.

"Yeah, I mean," continued the innocent child, not noticing his father flailing his arms behind him, torn between wanting to smack his kid and cover his face in shame. "Every Friday night, when mom has night classes, she'd leave me behind with dad. Then, dad'll bring me to the bar, and then-"

"Wait a second, Sousuke," I intervened, "Your dad brings you to a bar?"

The third grader smiled gaily, nodding. I raised my eyebrow at that. "Coz, dad's good friends with the owner, Kunicchan. So he lets me inside." By then, Taniguchi just slumped down on his seat, both hands covering his face.

Kunicchan must be Kunikida… It's a good thing they're still friends, but…

"And then you see," the little boy kept on, "Dad just sits down beside those women with big chests, they're bigger than mom's! And then he tries to put his arm around them, but the girl just slaps him, kicks him and walks away."

Aha, so that's what those bruises are.

"But that's not all! Mom suddenly comes, and then she slaps dad, crying. She keeps saying 'You filthy rat! You cheater! Womanizer!' and then she walks away, just like those other women. But this time, dad goes after her, and they make up, and they kiss, and then we go home to sleep."

Taniguchi peeked out from beneath his fingers and sighed, as if glad that his son's tale was over. Apparently though, it wasn't. not yet, anyway.

"But then you know what? Sometimes, when I have to go wee-wee at night, I hear weird sounds coming from mom and dad's bedroom." The oh-so-innocent boy turned to his devastated father and asked, "What were you doing?"

Taniguchi definitely had a WTF expression then. I, and every parent there could testify to that. I actually laughed out loud then, and commented, "I see you're the same as always, Taniguchi-kun."

"You know my father, Okabe-sensei?" asked the little boy.

"O-Okabe-sensei!? You mean that old fa- I mean, my class adviser back in the tenth grade?" said the still stupefied man.

I sent a small but powerful glare in his direction, daring him to say that again, yet making sure that none of my pupils saw it.

"Haha.. ha… Y-You know Okabe-sensei, I-I have work to do, so I really gotta go." He dashed out of the room like a puppy with a tail between its leg, but not before hissing to Sousuke, "We are going to have to talk, young man."

The little kid merely responded with a smile, saying, "Hai~"

The 'old fart' comment forgotten, I smiled fondly, knowing that no matter how harsh his tone might seem, Taniguchi would not hurt his kid. The boy's behavior attested to that.

Looking at the list in my hand, I called on the next student. "Suzumiya Haruka."

The girl stood up, her eyes and stature radiating confidence. A queer girl, she was. She had an I'm-better-than-you-and-you-know-it attitude, and she does odd things would have had her expelled, had she been in high school. But then, she's still in elementary, so a trip to the guidance office is the most we could subject her to.

Not to say I'm mad at her, no. She was a leader, a good leader in fact. I'd have made her the class representative, had it not been for her spontaneity to… render the grounds unusable. She hasn't burned anything down yet, so don't worry.

I'm really curious though, what kind of parent could actually bring up a girl like that?

I took a quick look at the woman behind her, and my eyes practically bulged in surprise.

It was her.

Her.

_Her._

The one girl who actually had the nerve to say "fuck you" right to my face.

"U-uh, so, Haruka-san," I said. I don't know why I call her -san. She's years-decades younger than me god forbid! "Where's your father?" Why couldn't _he_ have come instead of _her?_

"Oh, you mean Kyon?" the small girl asked. "I dunno. Last time I saw him, he was wearing a cheerleader outfit."

I pity the poor soul. You must be in a state of absolute depression by now, to have tolerated _her_ and a chibi-version of her for god-knows-how-many-years. Still, somehow, it felt unavoidable. Him and her ending up together...

"Uhhh... So, what do you think is the most interesting thing about your mother?"

"I haven't introduced myself yet, Okabe-_**sensei**_."

"O-oh, yeah. Right." Crap. Just seeing her is giving me --excuse the old language-- the heebie jeebies. It shouldn't. Really, it shouldn't. But there's just something about her that makes my hair stand on end, my eyes on alert, the adrenaline rush through my body. I thought it would disappear as time went by, yet here it was, haunting me.

"But since you asked, I guess I'll answer that first."

"R-right. G-go ahead, Haruka-san." I took out a strip of licorice from the many in my pocket. It was my favorite, and the one thing that could calm me down no matter the circumstances.

"Amidst the many interesting things that my mother has found and or discovered," I think you're using amidst wrongly there, "I have realized that there is only one interesting thing about my mother, and that is-"

She sent a quick smirk to the woman at her back. I noted this while chewing on my licorice.

"Suzumiya Haruhi married and got pregnant."

I frowned. That's not so interesti-

"Not necessarily in that order."

I choked.

**When Past Becomes Present, and Present Becomes Past end  
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Review please!

Note: This will probably be a related-to-each-other-but-still-independent-threesome-oneshot. Please look forward to them.


	4. Over Her Head

**~Over Her Head~**

The day came that proved I was spending far too much time with Haruhi, and was the same day I got expelled. Well, it was the two of us, but Haruhi didn't really give a damn about those kind of things. Nagato, Koizumi and Asahina-san all had mysterious illnesses on the day Haruhi decided to set the main school building on fire, so only the two of got kicked out.

Oh, excuse me. Fireworks. It's gonna prove really hard to forget that vivid display of colors. And the chastising that came right afterward.

Anyway, there I was, sitting on the living room couch with my head down, pretending I was guilty of what had happened. My mom was right in front of me, giving me a long, long lecture that had already lasted -I took a look at my watch- a good half hour or so.

That was when she said it.

And that was when I got solid evidence that my mind had been corrupted by Haruhi.

She called me a son of a bitch.

I laughed.

She didn't get it.

**~Over Her Head end~**

Disclaimer: I do not own the Suzumiya Haruhi franchise and any part of it except for a few DVD's and figures.

Author's Note: Thanks to BKE for beta'ing and the suggestion to make a series of stuff like this. I might, so if I do, please look out for it. ^^

I'd appreciate it if you reviewed.


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